I will find time for discussion in a private space. I will start with positive remarks and statements. When my friend feels relaxed, I may start voicing the concern. She is likely to find things are chaotic enough in her life, so I’ll need consistent support she can talk to easily and comfortably to help them best. If I don’t stress and do my best to make them feel secure, they’ll probably keep seeking my advice. Also, I have to my friend and let them open up. I don’t need to be good conversationally. Talking about her relationship may be hard for her.
The dialog should focus on the relationship’s bad behaviors and have a safe place to discuss. Often our instinct is to immediately label the relationship as “abusive” to drive the serious home situation. This instinct will cause her withdrawal and shutdown. Concentration should be on the individual acts I see and how she feels. Identifying the specific behavior and let her think about it. I may also respectfully point out that certain practices seem unhealthy and honest about how I’d feel if anyone did. This is one of the first steps to get her to know what is and is not appropriate behavior. Helping her understand the relationship is off and agree that her feelings are genuine.
Very few people in abusive relationships describe themselves as victims, and any treatment is impossible. Telling the friend I don’t judge is to normalize the situation. Talking honestly about her own relationship experiences will make her feel like she is not alone. Also, I will be very careful not to destroy dialogue and focus on her situation. I will try to make it sound like a fair exchange between two friends.
Although there’s no question that I’d do whatever I can for my needy friend, in this case, it can be helpful, even life-saving, to ask an expert for help. If I don’t know where to start, the National Domestic Violence Hotline will help determine how to support her better. This is also a good tip if she isn’t walking about their relationship or being defensive. I don’t have to push the question, but I will remind them about resources they can contact if they need support, like the NDVH.
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